After spending 30 minutes with my face in somebody’s armpit during my morning commute, I often become pessimistic as to the fate of humanity. Surveying the surly, inexplicably moronic sea of humanity found on an average subway platform I am left left to conclude our species reached its evolutionary peak in 1840, and have been on some sort of inexorable decline ever since.

So imagine my surprise when I read that not only are humans still evolving, but we’re doing it faster than we ever have before.

According to new research, our genetic overachieving is due to two factors- there are a lot more of us, so there is more opportunity for beneficial mutations to take hold in our populations. We are also living in radically different climates than our early ancestors experienced in Africa. Africa is warm. Canada is not.

But the really interesting thing is that populations in Asia, Europe and North America are actually evolving in different ways. Says researcher Dr.  Henry Harpending:

“The dogma has been these [differences] are cultural fluctuations, but almost any temperament trait you look at is under strong genetic influences. Genes are evolving fast in Europe, Asia and Africa, but almost all of these are unique to their continent of origin. We are getting less alike, not merging into a single, mixed humanity.”

But, I should point out, that doesn’t mean we can’t all be friends.

Given our newfound powers of evolution, I’d like to request we all make a concerted effort to do the following:

1) Get better knees. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with those things?

2) Evolve the ability to predict the paths of fellow pedestrians, so we can avoid that awkward shuffle-dance thing you do when you try to get around them.

3) Be able to get all of our nutritional requirements from hot wings.

4) Shooting lasers out of our eyes. This will be useful in case of alien invasion and/or zombie attack.

Anything special you’d like to evolve? Let me know in the comments section and I’ll do my best to give natural selection a shove in the right direction.

The Ascent of Man (Note lasers).

Ah, the cat lady. Frequent subject of jokes, guest on Oprah, and cruel update of the old maid scenario. We know you well.

But what we didn’t know was that the strange predilection for cats among older females may actually be caused by a parasite. Toxoplasma Gondii, which infects some 60 million Americans, is dependent on the digestive systems of cats to complete its lifecycle. New research has suggested that the parasite, when in a non-feline body, may induce behaviour changes to increase their unwitting host that will greatly increase their chances of being eaten by cats. So, in rats, this manifests as a fondness for cat urine. In humans, it may involve living alone and owning many cats. When the infected owner finally shuffles off her mortal coil, then the starving cats will, naturally, take matters into their own hands. Paws. Mouths. Whatever. The Toxoplamsa is ingested, and the mighty circle of life continues.

All of this is highly speculative, but once again proves what I’ve long believed: science can explain anything, and truth really is stranger than fiction.

I’m sure most of you have seen this already, but I’m posting it anyway. It just deserves to be seen. And, I’m a big believer in not only exposing ignorance, but ensuring that it is savagely punished.

Here’s Sherri ‘The World is Flat‘ Shepherd dispensing another pearl of historical wisdom:

You heard it here first, folks. Jesus predates everything. And Aristotle fed Christians to the lions.

How is this women allowed- let alone paid- to pander this idiocy on network television? Nobody should put up with this- not only does it betray a total lack of historical understanding, but it demonstrates a misapprehension of Christian Theology. And the uber-Christians are usually the first to accept bad history to justify theology, so evebn they must be put off by this dimwittery.

On the other hand, if Americans are able to tolerate this, the presidency of George W. Bush Suddenly makes a lot more sense.

Man, do we love Facebook. Love it, love it, love it. It’s a little scary, actually.

New research out today shows that 1 in 4 Canadians- nearly 8 million of us- are wired into the perniciously addictive social networking site. That means despite having about 0.5 per cent of the world’s population, Canada accounts for about 15 per cent of Facebook’s subscriber base.

A few possible conclusions flow from this:

1) Canada is super-hip and plugged into all the latest technological wonders of the digital age (unlikely)

2) Canada is full of awkward people who dislike face-to-face contact (possible)

3) Our jobs are universally boring (possible)

4) We like having our privacy invaded by Facebook’s ad program (unlikely)

5) The rambling expanse of Canada, combined with the vagaries of our climate, make Facebook preferable to, say, going outside and walking around (bingo).

Whatever the reason, Facebook is now an important part of our cultural milieu. And god help us all.

Even the blue is calming…

Yes, it’s the end of the road for Scientologists in ol’ Deutschland, as the German government has determined the ‘religion’ is incompatible with the country’s constitution. Or rather, that it isn’t actually a religion at all, more of a “commercial enterprise that takes advantage of vulnerable people.”

What? A religion made up by a mediocre sci-fi writer that claims we’re all infested with alien ghosts a scam? I’m shocked.

Oh wait, no I’m not.

Anyway, good job Germany. Way to kick some pseudo-religious ass.

Tom Cruise: Now illegal in Germany. Gooooooose!

I’m going to chalk that headline up to Friday afternoon malaise. Anyways…

The Waldseemuller Map, created by a German monk in 1507, will be going on permanent display at the Library of Congress this month to mark its 500th anniversary. That’s an old map. And a remarkable one, too. It is, more or less, the first map of the modern age, a fascinating relic from the beginning of the Age of Discovery. But the Waldseemuller Map is also pretty, well, mysterious.

The 6′ x 9.5′ map contains an accurate representation of the shape of South America, and also shows the presence of an ocean to the west of the continent- what we now know as the Pacific. But the perplexing thing is that Europeans didn’t make it across South America, or to the Pacific Ocean, until 1520. That’s 13 years after the map was created. So how the heck did the mapmakers know there was an ocean out there? Did they have access to information we didn’t know they had? Was there a voyage to the Pacific we don’t know about? Did they make a spectacularly good guess?

We may never know. But with the map going on display, at least everyone will have a chance to contemplate this historical oddity.

It doesn’t look like much- but this map is eerily accurate. And it looks real purty.

Scientific American has just published a list of the 10 most polluted cities on Earth. The good news: none of them are in North America. The bad news: people actually have to live in these places. The surprising news: Chernobyl only came in at #2. The number one spot is occupied by Sumqayit, Azerbaijan:

Yet another heir to the toxic legacy of Soviet industry, this city of 275,000 bears heavy metal, oil and chemical contamination from its days as a center of chemical production. As a result, locals suffer cancer rates 22 to 51 percent higher than their countrymen, and their children suffer from a host of genetic defects, ranging from mental retardation to bone disease.

And they achieved all of this without the benefit of a nuclear meltdown. Astounding. What fine stewards of the Earth we are.

Sumqayit. Come for the rusty smokestacks, stay for the organ failure.