After 67 years of baffling celibacy, beloved comicbook redhead Archie Andrews will marry cruel heiress Veronica Lodge, forever forsaking hottie-next-door (who bakes!) Betty Cooper and long-term homosexual life partner Jughead Jones. Reggie is likely to remain nonplussed. But the world will never be the same.
Archie Comics have announced that an upcoming six-part series will detail the nuptials of America’s favourite teenager. It will no doubt also have some contrived means of returning everything to the status quo by the end, since Archie Comics is surpassed only by Dr. Pepper in it’s commitment to the original forumla.
Will it be a dream? An alien plot? Some sort of time-transferance accidentally masterminded by bumbling local genius, Dilton Doiley? Personally, I’m hoping for a massive divorce settlement. Marrying a rich girl without a pre-nup is a time-honored strategy for Midwest teenagers to improve their socio-economic fortunes. Go Archie! Dig that gold!
Of course, I’ve always been a Betty man myself. Gentlemen prefer (wholesome, athletic, brainy) blondes after all. And she bakes! In fact, the comics have so relentlessly pushed Betty as the superior choice that if Archie actually did find wedded bliss with Veronica, the very fabric of time and space would be torn asunder. Although, having said that, the original Betty – Archie – Veronica triangle could benefit from a little old fashioned adultery. I dare you to not read Archie Comics again once it descends into Desperate Housewives-esque levels of moral turpitude.
Also, Mr. Lodge is going to be pissed.
My prediction: Betty interrupts the wedding, Archie realizes he really loves her, then marries her instead; Veronica is left to plot gruesome murder-suicide.
Archie need to watch a few episodes of Big Love and realize, yes, we can all be happy together.
I predict the first family comic book orgy.
Uh, I’d like to point out that this violates the canon described in the TV movie “Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again”, which appeared in the early 90s.
As we all know, 15 years after graduation Archie was preparing to marry “Pam” (whoever that is) but ultimately decides against it and moves back to Riverdale. I think we can all agree that this movie is the definitive guide to the post-graduation epoch, and should ultimately set the tone for all preceding events.
What next? Mr Weatherbee marrying Miss Beazley? Please!
What has always baffled me is what Veronica and Betty actually see in Archie? They’re both way too good for him.
CHERYL FTW
Also, how does Archie comb the lower part of his hair into symmetrical grid lines?
In other news, this is what’s up with Jughead’s Hat.