Medical studies: stating the obvious since 1756

A new report out today reveals the barn-burning reality that old age is harder for fat people than normal-sized ones. Well, of course it is. If you weigh 400 lbs, your body is going to wear out like 50 times faster. They needed a study to figure that out? Listen, I can come up with an entire list of things that are more difficult for the morbidly obese. And I won't need a single research grant to do it:

  1. Going up stairs
  2. Going down stairs
  3. Tying shoes
  4. Marathon running
  5. Getting full benefit from a trampoline
  6. Pole dancing
  7. Standing in small closets
  8. Interpretive dance
  9. Parcour
  10. Kung-fu fighting

Seriously, who pays for these studies? And if they're reading this, I'll do all of your obesity-related research for a fraction of the cost. All I require is a new video game every 2-3 weeks, beer, and a gym membership.