Santa has a rough week

As if it wasn't hard enough to be Santa this time of year. The challenges of meeting a huge Christmas delivery deadline with a recalcitrant all-elf workforce has got to weight heavily on the mind. Not to mention the constant PETA lawsuits for alleged reindeer abuse. So you've got to feel bad for the guy. And now, even more so.

Police in Danbury, Connecticut were called to a local mall after a 33-year-old woman on crutches sexually assaulted St. Nick. The offender, apparently taking advantage of Santa's legendary lap-based hospitality, decided to cop a Christmas feel. Sandrama Lamy was charged with sexual assault and breach of peace and will appear in court on January 3rd. Officials at the North Pole could not be reached for comment, but police said Mr. Claus was "shocked and embarrassed by the whole incident."

And that was bad enough. But on a visit to a Rio de Janeiro Shantytown yesterday, Santa was attacked by drug traffickers who apparently mistook his helicopter for an airborne police raid. C'mon, violent gangsters of Brazil...where's your Christmas spirit? But it mill take more than machine gun fire to stop Santa. After making an emergency landing, Kris Kringle continued to his destination- a party attended by over 1,000 children and parents- by car. Less glamorous, but also less of a bullet magnet.

So, this Christmas eve, as you hang your stockings and prepare to settle down for a long winter's nap, leave something a little special for Santa. Like an extra big cookie or a bottle of Jim Beam. Cuz brother, he has sure earned it.


Santa reads up on his insurance policy. Ho, ho, oh no!