Frenchman plans 'sacred collision' with Loch Ness Monster

French performance artist Don Jean Habrey, aka Hors Humain, claims he will reveal Nessie on December 24, 2008. But while other monster hunters have used sonar and underwater cameras to search for the legendary cryptid, HH will use "chants, drumming, burning flares and bonfires round the shore". He calls the whole to-do a 'sacred collision'. Sounds very spiritual, if a little dangerous. As a warm-up, HH will be diving into the chilly waters of Loch Ness this weekend to "breathe with the monster to send ultimate breathing to the world of childhood". I'm not ever sure that's a sentence, but it sounds pretty groovy.

Hors Humain previously "breathed" with Nessie in 1994, when he dove into the Loch “to breathe behind closed doors with Nessie together with a horde of children”. I'm not sure where he found this horde of amphibious youngsters, but if they're local I'm surprised Scotland doesn't have a better olympic swim team.

In any event, get your tickets now. And don't forget to book early for my upcoming attempt to summon Bigfoot with a combination of balloon animals, silly hats, and old-school beatboxing. Via Museum of Hoaxes.