So, I've been tagged about 80 gajillion times in this stupid "25 Things" meme on Facebook. I'm not going to do it, because I firmly believe once a viral phenomenon has been written about in the New York Times, it ceases to be cool. Instead, I offer this as a quiet protest. Twenty-five fictional things about a person I made up, posted on a venue external to Facebook. Take that, social media.
1. Dennis Hagerstrom was born in rural Kentucky, but moved to Salt Lake City in 2003. His reason: "salinity is a sign of God's favour."
2. Dennis Hagerstrom has three extra toes. He found them while vacationing in northern Pennsylvannia in 1998, and keeps them in a drawer in his garage.
3. Dennis Hagerstrom prefers plain blue Bic ballpoint pens. He feels the felt-tipped ones "think they're better than they are."
4. Dennis Hagerstrom drives a 2001 Ford Taurus. He likes the mileage and thoughtfully laid-out interior, but wishes the upholstery was better.
5. Dennis Hagerstrom has never owned a pair of blue underpants.
6. Dennis Hagerstrom has a BMI of 27.3.
7. Dennis Hagerstrom saw Black Flag play live in 1983. By accident.
8. Dennis Hagerstrom gets vaguely uneasy when he thinks about the movie "The Neverending Story", but prefers not to talk about it.
9. Dennis Hagerstrom's mother sold all of his Lego in 1996.
10. Dennis Hagerstrom attempted to build a model of an Avro Lancaster when he was 12. He never finished, but refuses to throw it out.
11. Dennis Hagerstrom's current apartment is frequently used in Craigslist scams. He doesn't know why.
12. Dennis Hagerstrom's brother, Mark Hagerstrom, is a police officer.
13. Dennis Hagerstrom frequently chooses female avatars in video games, but feels weird about it later on.
14. Dennis Hagerstrom is disappointed with the last end table he bought at Ikea.
15. Dennis Hagerstrom is concerned about the conflict in the Middle East, but it doesn't keep him up at night.
16. Dennis Hagerstrom liked The Da Vinci Code all right, but thought Deception Point was "totally kickass".
17. Dennis Hagerstrom likes going to church, but only for the intoxicating aroma of elderly pensioner.
18. Dennis Hagerstrom once stole a safety brochure from an airplane and felt so bad he mailed it back to the airline with a $150 cheque "for their trouble".
19. Dennis Hagerstrom thinks Hunt for Red October is simultaneously the pinnacle of both cinematic and literary achievement.
20. Dennis Hagerstrom's girlfriend, Angela Du Poix, has a drawer filled with self-authored fortune cookie messages no one will ever read.
21. Dennis Hagerstrom is suspicious of wool.
22. Dennis Hagerstrom once tried to give his middle school friend a high-five, but miscalculated and hit him in the face. They do not speak to this day.
23. Dennis Hagerstrom once owned a spirograph.
24. Dennis Hagerstrom secretly suspects the song "Mr. Roboto" was written about him, although he has no way to prove it.
25. Dennis Hagerstrom likes wearing jogging pants at the grocery store.