A group of senior British banking execs are worried the government is going to put the kaibosh on their beloved million-pound bonuses. So, they've hired a big-shot lawyer and are preparing to fight it out in court, suit-and-tie styles. To clarify: these executives were so bad at their jobs, their banks were effectively nationalized. But they still want their sweet, sweet payouts, despite the fact they would, at this point, be composed of tax dollars.
Some might call this greed. Others may go so far as to suggest this is a kind of mental illness. But I prefer to take the long view. This kind of blind entitlement is not only a good thing, it's the spiritual genius of mankind. And it will save us all, somehow.
Think of how much better everything would be if this kind of thinking played a bigger role at key points in human history:
- September, 480 BC: Despite the complete destrution of his fleet by the Greeks at the Battle of Salamis, Xerxes declares himself the victor and ruler of Greece. The rulers of Athens and Sparta are too confused to resist. Democracy perishes from the Earth, which everyone agrees if probably for the best.
- Agincourt, 1415 AD: After the pride of French nobility is wiped from the field by a bunch of English peasants with bows and arrows, King Charles VI hires the noted lawyer Jean D'Abattoir and sues King Henry V for punitive damages. Henry has no answer to this challenge, and is buried in paperwork. French becomes the lingua franca of the planet, and the Industrial Revolution disappears into a cloud of ennui.
- Rome, 1512 AD: Instead of painting a sweeping mural that revolutionizes art, Michelangelo paints the Sistine Chapel with a coat of eggshell latex paint. Demands full payment from Pope Julius II, claiming "it's mildew resistant, fool."
- Washington D.C., September 22, 1862: Eschewing prinicples of liberty and human dignity, Abraham Lincoln realizes slavery totally "works for him and his bank account" and issues the Emancipation Refutation. Confederate Flags for all!
- Everywhere, 1991: Ignoring their frightening lack of musical talent, Right Said Fred declare themselves Kings of All Music. Opposition is eliminated through forced listening to their follow-up single, "Don't Talk, Just Kiss", until their heads explode.
Pity humanity that such a world never came to be. If only Xerxes, Charles VI, Michelangelo, Lincoln and the Brother Fairbrass had demonstrated the stunning vision and bizarre logic of British Bankers, the world would be an oppressive, soulless deathmaze dominated by novelty dance music.
So fight on, British Bankers. Your spectacular sense of self-entitlement is an inspiration to us all.