This is not a zombie attack

Over at Boing Boing, Xeni Jardin misidentifies a random act of creepy violence as a possible zombie attack. Rookie mistake, Xeni. I mean, just listen to this description:

Lancellotti said he tried to defend himself with a garden rake. As the men struggled over the rake, the stranger bent over and bit Lancellotti on his right forearm, the report said. Lancellotti's flesh ripped away as he fell to the ground. The man then got on top of Lancellotti and began choking him, the report said.

It was then that neighbor Chantal Lorio, a podiatrist and director of the Wound Center at East Jefferson General Hospital, came out to check on Lancellotti. Lorio said Monday that she first thought Lancellotti was having a heart attack and the other man was trying to help him.

The stranger was still gripping Lancellotti as Lorio noticed her neighbor was lying in a pool of blood. She didn't learn what happened until she began dressing the wound -- with the stranger still clutching her neighbor's shirt.

"He said, 'He bit my arm, chewed the flesh and swallowed it in front of me, ' " Lorio recalled. She said the bite measured almost 3 by 1 1/2 inches, and was less than 1/4-inch deep.

This is not a zombie attack. Why? Easy:

  1. Zombies don't choke. They bite and clutch, but they lack the ability to consciously asphyxiate.
  2. Zombies don't chew.
  3. Zombies don't swallow. They're not eating you. They're making you into another zombie.

So there. Of course, if Lancellotti dies, comes back to life, and starts biting people, then I'll have to rethink my position.