So, I was interested to see that David Slade has been tapped to direct the third Twilight movie. Interested, because Slade perviously directed 30 Days of Night, which is an actual Vampire movie. You know, where the Vampires are actually scary, devour people messily, and never make puppydog eyes at anyone for any reason. I was briefly enamoured with the idea of a super-gory Twilight: Eclipse, the kind of thing that would traumatize overwrought tweens the world over. But it was a passing fancy. The power of Twilight is great, and it will likely remake David Slade rather than the other way around.
This brief reverie got me to think a little bit more about the Twilight franchise. Everything I've ever read suggests the books are terrible, the movies almost unwatchable, and the whole premise roughly akin to an Alien Vs. Predator mashup, except with teenagers and vampires and totally lame action sequences. So why the Hell is it so popular?
The answer, dear friends, will shock and alarm you.
Stephenie Meyer (which, by the way, is not how you spell Stephanie) is perhaps the greateast evil genius the world has ever known. She has created a pop cultural phenomenon precisely engineered to appeal to the reptilian brain of human females. These are intelligent, capable woman,yet they are powerless to resist the physiological chicanery of Twilight. Over the past few months, I've had this conversation at least six dozen times:
Me: So, watching Twilight, huh?
Misc. Female: Yup.
Me: Why? Isn't it really bad?
Misc. Female: Oh, it's awful. The writing stinks and the acting is terrible.
Me: So why watch it?
Misc. Female: Because I loooooove it sooooooo much.
Astonishing. Clearly, this is mass brainwashing on an unprecedented scale. But to what end?
Well, what do all evil geniuses want?Easy: world domination. Stephenie (again, too many e's) Meyer is training a dark army of breathy, Robert Pattinson-obsessed woman to take over the world an institute a diabolical Pseudo-Mormon Romance-ocracy.Things like beer and swearing and real horror movies will be banned, and we'll all have to sit around looking meaningfully at each other for intolerable hours on end.
Think I'm crazy? The signs are already all around us.
I, for one, am not going to take the coming Twilightocalypse lying down. But I can't do it alone. Who's with me? Who will stand against the unspeakable scourge of Stephenie "Where's the 'A'?" Meyer?