Stop your cognitive shenanigans, Carly Rae Jepson

I apologize for posting this, but I'm making a point. So bear with me.

I finally watched Carly Rae Jepson's video for "Call Me Maybe". I did this because I've seen approximately 80 gabillion YouTube parodies of the song (this one is particularly inspired), and they all felt strangely out of context without seeing the original. And now I have a complaint.

I'm not going to beat up Ms. Jepson about this song. It's not great, but as inoffensive pop fluff goes, it's no worse or better than anything else on the radio. And I'm sure Carly is collecting massive piles of filthy cash for her trouble. We should all be so terrible. No, I would like to complain about the video itself.

Throughout the video, CRJ appears to be backed by a full band. Drums, bass, keys, and guitar. Listening to this song, it is clear that it has never existed outside of a computer hard drive. No session guys were brought in. Her backing band did not record this track. It's total artifice.

So what's the problem? Lot's of videos do this. But say you're eight years old and you're getting interesting in music. "Call Me Maybe" is exactly the thing you're going to encounter first, because it's bloody everywhere. You see the video for "Call Me Maybe", and you see see the instruments, and you hear the sounds the instruments are supposed to be making. As an eight year old, YOU NOW HAVE NO IDEA WHAT A GUITAR ACTUALLY SOUNDS LIKE. And you think that a keyboard sounds like a string quartet.

In this sense, Jepson has actually cognitively impaired her audience's ability to understand music. This isn't a crime, and I'm probably the only one in the world worried about this, but I think this kind of cognitive sleight of hand is irresponsible. I'm not expecting the prepubescent 'guitarist' to bust out some massive Zeppelin lick, but we should try to keep the connection between the sounds that instruments make and the sounds we hear. Throw the drummer in there, sure. But you should also have a guy rocking out in front of a Mac Pro. That way, kids might actually get interested in real music, and somehow find their way to Slayer or the Beatles or Coltrane or something.

Also, that part where she falls off the car and has a sexy dream? She was unconscious for like 23 seconds. Don't laugh about it. Go to the damn hospital.